as sora slept, roxas awoke.
he found himself amongst friends, in a bright world of peace and tranquility. he thought he was missing something, but he could not figure out what. as he passed the days happily, this weird feeling just kept on pulling at him, almost as if there was something chained inside that sought uncovering. but he didn't purposely try; happiness and time was precious to him, every single moment spent laughing and playing with his friends were all the world to him. everything was so fantastical, but he didn't care. this pull on his heart lingered, he knew a part of him was missing, but he didn't care. for why bother to rouse trouble, why fix something that wasn't broken; just let sleeping dogs lie..
as roxas roamed, sora dreamt.
something was brewing within the peaceful facade of sleep. he wished to awake, but that part of him wasn't around. he couldn't get up, couldn't run away from this constant nightmare. the same chain of memories locked him down, shackling him to the bolts of torture. sora fidgeted. that was all he could do, for the happiest parts of him seemed missing. he could do nothing, but fidget and wish inwardly, that he could have done something better, something else, or not done anything at all. anything that did not lead to this.
awaken.
learning through life's potholes
its with a detached perspective that i come across this issue today, after a lengthy chat with another close friend down in the room today. so it seems, that the issue's been broken out; that it isn't really very much of a secret anymore. Nonetheless, its with this simple perspective, one devoid of emotions or feelings, that i breached this matter to her as we talked.
in actual fact, i find it highly amusing, how easily human emotions can be wavered and manipulated to suit one's wants and desires at a certain point in life. how easily someone who was so close beside me could suddenly fit and match the strict standards i've once set for myself simply because...she was there? satisfice at its maximum.
so now i look at the few archives and the horribly dumb things that have happened 2 weeks past. the emotional anchor has ceased its burden substantially, but things that've happened previously can never be rewound back into the wheels of time. i suppose..i guess i can't really stop this giant boulder down the slope all by myself. Yep, anyways hearing from this friend of mine, it kinda put the topic of the week back on her again, on how it happened, why it happened, and how it ended. Nonetheless, i suppose its all about choices, and perhaps about how both of us managed to satisfice to our fiercest desires back then. probably none of us were in the right mind to decide, or were we even in the best position to justify the decisions made, but heck, since we were around, why not give it a bloody try? :P
so very amusing, how humans work.
learning through life's potholes
and so a new direction has been set.
First things that requires attention would be to repair the damages I've caused while blundering around in this china shop of relations. I believe I've pretty much torn apart from this person so much that its' become rather chilly engaging in normal conversation. Sure, I could lament all I want; after all, it was my own dilemma and indecisiveness that caused such a rift. But as I stumble my way out of this great canyon, I'm really hoping I didn't step into the same mistake I did 3 years ago...to lose a friend in the bid to become closer..
So a quick inventory check of emotions. I'm aiming my CAP score this year, my double degree/SEP next year. There won't be much time left for me to enjoy in university..and I don't want to lose such precious time left in my life in school brooding over the aforementioned lack of affection. Besides..lets admit it. If i were still so easily convinced and rushed into a relationship, I probably wouldn't be ready for the attachments that came with it. I'd be more than glad to just remain friends for now, for the manic tempest that troubled me 2weeks past has finally blown over. I suppose its a 3yr-itch, the sudden urge to find acceptance before realizing that I'm happier being just by myself for now. Heheh..it just feels quite sour-grapish even to think of it. But nonetheless, this emotional side of me has to tone down in the years to come..not when people already realize I'm so old and still acting like a kid >_<
Yup, so dye my hair or not, its not an adherence to other people's choice, but it pretty much felt so weird just to have a near hostile response. Hereby starts the long route to recovery again, I suppose.
I can only pray that I don't fail this time.
learning through life's potholes
amidst all the madness, suddenly a serene calm blows over life.
as the final call for all of us to stop writing came, somehow a long-lost feeling just washed over me. its that focus that i've experienced back when the semester started, the direction and goal that has spurred me on for the past 6 weeks suddenly flooding back into my mind as I sat there amidst the general outcry of how the paper went. I took a breather. Maybe two. But with each breath as I took in that solo seat within a sea of people, things became so much clearer.
I suppose mania did take over for the previous two weeks. I can't deny myself of any fault in this ensuing madness, perhaps the holes in the dam of emotion that i've methodically plugged up back then were slowly, unknowingly removed bit by bit, and with time, untamed and superfluous feelings started gushing out. Its not something to be proud of, especially with me setting record lows in my life. Nonetheless, they each piece together lessons valuable to the future..
So I now sit at the eye of the storm. Looking forward and back, left and right, there is chaos, temptation, and challenge on every front. Behind me lies a road of regret, a curving trail that I've blazed through ever since I came to realize the inner voice of conscience that has nagged me at every turn. I profess and claim to be a logical and rational person, but yet there have been things that recently clouded my judgement so much that I've lost track of my current status and situation. Yup, I suppose I could start regretting the mistakes I've made, start regretting about myself even pitching in when there's evident desire to remain mutually nonchalant. Nevertheless, its time to make amends, to stop this crazy track before it runs everyone off the cliff..
As I looked around after the examination hall cleared, I felt all alone, and yet so very much in control again. I sat there a while longer, savouring whatever's left of this serenity. As the clouds slowly dispersed over my mind, I was sincerely glad to have rediscovered my focus.
With a sigh of relief, I picked up my emotional luggage, and bravely stepped back into the tempest, my sense of direction reworked and vision refreshed.
learning through life's potholes