2007. The year I entered university, the year I got unleashed from NS, the year I worked my ass off for my beliefs and desires.
Yep, and once again, 2007, the year I royally screwed myself over with girls.
Pitiful.
Nonetheless, I suppose its because I've lost track of my goals long after the semester started. My centers of life started to converge back to emotional instability, back to seeking acceptance from ladies in the crowd, back to wanting to share my life with somebody. this is so wrong.
I realize. You know, when you've gone so far off the track, you're no longer even riding a train anymore. I didn't like what turned out, and I still think I'm bloody immature as compared to before. Pfah. To think I thought I was seasoned enough to last. I can't even keep my emotions in check, and I think I've pulled down friends and perhaps many others down into hot soup with me.
Its hard to rationalize feelings and logically debate on the consequences of embracing them, but nonetheless I'm going to try. Its not going to succeed, no matter how bright the torch one carries for the person who only sees you as a friend. I suppose I could hide under the facade of being a friend, while slowly building it up from there, but it affects. It consumes from within. The funny thing is that when you center your life around someone, the uglier you appear to that person. you lose your independence and strength, as you now leech it off the presence of the other. its not even funny when you laugh outside, but get ripped up inside.
and now we stand at another crossroad. Sure, I'm thinking whether life can be so easily categorized into blacks and whites, but these two paths diverge from here on out. To continue acting, to continue being demonized internally, to suffer inwardly when the lady progresses in life, but yet constantly center your life, your happiness over her presence;
or to just forget, to deflect, to protect yourself, to set up emotional barriers, to withdraw back into that hermit of a husk as before, to withdraw from such a life of rollercoasting, to draw strength only from within, to reignite the burning goals i've set previously. to live again.
the choice is clear.
i can only rely on my friends as my pillars of support, but never shall i reveal the very vulnerabilities i've displayed before. Never. given a chance, i'ld wish for this emotionally unstable, emotionally reliant side of me to be removed forever...how i wish things will remain methodological, controllable, so easily predictable.
i don't want to love anymore. i'm tired..extremely tired. the past, the present, the future, they all portend such loathsome stories of a dependent, sickly boy clinging on to false hopes and wild dreams. disgusting. i can't believe that migraine long before finally kicked in again, and we all know why it came..it only did when i believed too much in what all men stupidly declare as l***..
to tell the truth, i'm afraid of opening up ever again. i hate being weak, being so easily affected, so reactive to circumstances. i want to be able to differentiate friends from liking, and never suffer the similar, too-tired rejection from history's annals.
shall meditate. its time to sharpen the saw, to renew life and emerge stronger once again.
learning through life's potholes