the compounding effect was never so exemplified.
observe 2 papers being heavily devastated, couple that with a morning 1hr jam down AYE that nobody could have avoided unless it meant reaching school at an unearthly hour of 7.30am, doing a 500m sprint from LT7A all the way down to SRC. Combine that to running to MPSH2 and realizing its a bloody fking LSM paper on the way, doublechecking downstairs to realize the venue was correct but the hall portion was different, add on the fact that the paper already started long ago and I was mentally taxed, physically exhausted, and panting louder than a diesel engine in an otherwise silent hall.
damnit, damnit, DAMNIT. i'm turning into a raving loony cause of this manic 4day challenge. i'm so sorry to anybody whom i've offended recently, so i suggest everybody just stay a distance from me. at least for this week, until i've regathered my spirits and my mental health. its caveman time, and i'm going into my isolation hole with an almighty big club.
don't. you. DARE. piss. me. off.
learning through life's potholes
my tolerance level is weak.
FAAAAAAARRRRRRRRRRRKKKKKKKING HELLLLLLLL!!!!
ARAGRRHARAHSRHASHRHFUCK IM DAMN PISSED OFF WITH THIS SHIT ALREADY!!!! KNN study for FARK!??!?!? shit...this is only the beginning of 4 heavy-set papers, how the hell am i going to live through this?!?!
learning through life's potholes
its hardly the time, and i don't understand why either. it seems that the more busy i get, or the more tired i am, i seem to be more verbose about life in general. as always, the "think too much" always happens.
i feel kinda worried thinking of what to do and what will happen in the holidays. guess i'm apprehensive at best...horrified at worst. there's so many unknown factors floating around that will influence life after the exams, its pretty daunting. you know what i mean.
anyways, i want to fly away from this place and leave everything behind. perhaps go backpack in vietnam or cambodia for a month alone..just to get away from all the mess in singapore. i kinda miss the peace and serenity of the mountains back in the tibetian regions already...seems that every semester only does its worst effects screwing around with my psyche. i just want to be alone for a while, away from everybody i know, from this all-too-familiar place and surrounding. i...need to reflect on this rage and the unexplainable plethora of sickness storing up within before this new beginning.
still, i guess i'm duty-bound to be here. i hope i don't do anything wrong or say anything hurtful in the time being. sigh.
if only,
if only,
if only.
i guess its just a dream for now, not an option.
learning through life's potholes
i'm afraid its time i shut off for the moment.
goodbye for now.
learning through life's potholes
from
XKCD.com
learning through life's potholes
perhaps, maybe its just me. I don't know, how ambivalent one can get. right now i feel that theres a tight-fisted wad of anger all bunched up inside, for certain reasons i'd wish never came to existence. it would be so convenient to attribute it simply to exam stress, so easy to shrug off responsibility of such fickleness, of being so
shallow...that I don't even want to adopt such a hollow excuse anymore.
i hate this indecision..this ambivalent feeling that's welling up inside right now. i don't know which way to go, and i fear even taking a single step either way. yet, the status quo isn't any much better, but its the best situation i can sustain for the greater good for now. i'd say it. the me that's manifested in these 2 weeks has a terribly contrasting goal and mannerism as to the past. it wants to tear away from the old emo and oversensitive side, but there's things holding me back. its as if theres a primal
fear that retains me from changing.
but yet, this life angers this new loner personality so much. it wants to lash out and hurt people, but i guess some part of me doesn't want that to happen. especially not to the ones i love and treasure. urgh. the mere thought of that stings. i really, really wish things will get less..painful either way.
and previously, people said i was patient....
bullshit.
learning through life's potholes
exams are up ahead in less than 5 days time, and i have a very very bad foreboding feeling this time. Something tells me that this time round, my luck's really run out. I can't seem to absorb as well as the late-exam rushes during O's, A's. Argh...and the worst thing is that I can't focus at all..couple a tough syllabus with a heart wandering off to play all the time. Sigh..:(
On a side note, it feels like everything's changed this week internally. Maybe the spanner stuck in my system got wrenched off, but things in life start to look so much clearer, aims become so much more defined. The things I want to achieve and..the things I want now, feel so much more practical rather than naive and idealistic as before. For the first time, maybe I can stop trying to be Superman in pursuing the things I want.
Well..it isn't a choice, isn't it? I've realized it now..
learning through life's potholes
anyways, sweep aside those depressing posts abit. i just received the latest emails on my life (hmm. funny how things happen to me and not me happening to things. bleah)
right now i've applied for this internship down at the local bank..i don't know if its a downright waste of time or not, especially with the huge line of events piled up during the 3month vacation. Especially when there's other things I want to pursue, and to spend time at, or the people I wish to spend time with. but i guess..no matter how things deviate, no matter how goals diverge and how priorities change, us guys still have to go on out and earn our keep in the later years. true, keeping up physically and learning new life skills could be all well and dandy, and spending time with your friends does have its intangible benefits..
but i guess its for the best. even though..this 3month vacation seems all too short now that its coming, i'd hope to cherish and treasure every moment that will come when you guys return..or when i'm out with friends and family alike.
anyways, i guess my life as a mugger has been affirmed. officially, i'm enrolled into Biz major, so it means i'm going to pump 6 modules every semester till my graduation. it'll be a prelude to a tough time ahead..but i truly want to increase my chances down the road. everything becomes materialistic all of a sudden, and i don't care, i'm going to be one of those money-faced people too. so...i'll start my preparations first. there's no way to turn back time when there's regrets...no way a hallelujah chance would drop down from the heavens no matter how hard we pray..and besides, its not me to go get myself screwed over small matters all the time. i need a long break..really..
and with that, ends my first year in university. i wonder how i'll do..and how other people will grade me?
learning through life's potholes
"sometimes, listlessness hint at a destitute emotional state. one can appear to be under enormous inner pressure, probably caused by feelings of inadequacy. sometimes, an unfulfilled performance ambition increases with one's lack of energy in a vicious cycle. the ensuing conflict being fought out inside takes up all of the person's energy."
an insight to psychiatry and perhaps understanding exam stress. maybe thats why at times, its inevitable to feel helpless and even despondent..its this giant cycle of negative energy building up within. wow. psychiatry really is interesting.
Dub the Turtle"nevertheless, feelings of inadequacy, shame and a nostalgic longing for experiences long past still reflect an inner conflict - a charge against oneself and the world, coupled with the idea of having lost everything.A repressed fear of losing an object of love might be responsible for this melancholy view of the world. To avert the fear of loss, the super-ego develops a conflict by proxy. To avoid heaving hate and anger upon the object of love - who has left it behind - it turns this destructive energy upon itself. Only in this way can the object of love be saved from the destructive forces and survive - and with it the feeling of love."
learning through life's potholes
wow amazing, i'm cognitive enough to do a double-post today.
amidst all the exam stress, i suddenly realized something ugly. its not that its anybody else's at fault, except that its solely my personality flaw. seriously, its to the point of being overbearingly
irritating. why the hell am i so retardedly persistent, so bloody stupidly...
optimistic at things?
why do i care so much about other things? about other people? thats being overly goody-two shoes, being too hoity-toity, acting all high-and-mighty already. I'm
sick of thinking like this. and i really want to stop. i don't want to "make a difference" when people don't need them. i don't want to "be there for them" when they don't even need a shoulder. i can't stand this bloody idealistic side of me. because that makes me become a liability..and seriously, a nuisance to these people. f***. i don't know why or how i became such a goody-two-shoes or such a stuckup, thinking that what i know or do, or the things i believe in are the best for everybody else. because its 99% of the time not the case. and if someone were to stuff things down my throat, saying that its good for me, i'll probably flip that guy off.
asshole.its more than enough now. i'm sick and tired of this retardedness screwing things up within me and the people around me. "its the thought that counts.."
bullshit. if anything, anyone's to blame now, i gladly claim all the credit. f*** this. all this idiocy is making me feel nauseous about myself. and no thank you, i'll feel better if i'm alone in this one. if you're still reading, don't even try making any sense of all these to any situation. it doesn't just refer to a single incident, and neither does it to anyone particularly.
out.
learning through life's potholes
i know this sounds emo, but its something random i came across in a manga..
"Waking up from a happy dream pains the heart more than a nightmare"
goodness...funny how things in the past can be so succintly, and aptly summarized just in a single manga quote.
learning through life's potholes
after all the dust has settled, it feels so much more peaceful now..although it appears that at certain times, there's a burgeoning urge to do something totally irrational. Nonetheless, I guess its a test of character now..whether I'm able to keep to the promise I've made just a few days ago. As much as I'd wish it otherwise, it would appear that its most prudent that the full utility of time be maximized. It'll be better this way..I hope..
good luck for the crunch ahead!
god..i hate paraphrasing for ambiguity.
learning through life's potholes
believe me when i say this.
no matter what happens in the future, i'm glad i learnt something really valuable tonight. and its something i hope i'll bring down with me wherever I go. Cause if I don't, its going to be up the hellroad once again.
i'd like to think i won't make such stupid character flaws again. that'll stay close to my heart for aeons to pass..nobody wants to make a costly mistake twice just to learn the same lesson once.
learning through life's potholes
